I recently read the following in a "Dear Abby" post:
Compliments of Delawareonline.com Jan 9, 2015
Dear Abby: Secret weighs on mother's mind
I am worried about how my 10-year-old son, "Jake," will take some news he's not aware of yet. I wasn't able to have children, so my husband and I turned to in vitro, using a donated egg from a family member. We thank God this method worked.
Our plan was to explain it to Jake when he got older, once he understood about the birds and the bees. Now I am starting to get this fear that he will be very upset when he learns about it and be angry with us.
I don't want him to go into a depression over it. What should we do? Should we wait like we planned?
— Mom In Chicago
Abby:
Not knowing Jake, I can't gauge his level of maturity. I'm not sure why being told how special he is, and how grateful you and your husband are to be his parents would send him into a depression. But because you think it might, discuss this with a child psychologist before talking to your son. Please don't put this off, because if other family members know about the egg donation, it is only a matter of time before the cat will be out of the bag, and it's better that Jake hears this information from you.
Bad manners
The biggest question that looms over the heads of parents (or intended parents) of children born using egg donation and/or surrogacy is whether or not to tell their children. And if yes, when is the best time. There is never a "bad" time to tell your child how his/her precious life began, as long as it is done with love and care! Care, that you present it in a way to make your child feel like the blessing they truly are. Love, is what brought about this decision to use donor eggs in the first place. Let them know how very much they were wanted. Show them how much of a miracle they are to you!
Many parents often feel anxious and are unsure of what to expect when they are faced with the thought of telling their child(ren) about the egg donor or surrogate mother who helped bring life to them. We all want to instill "truth-telling" as our children grow up. Why not start with your own truth!
Honesty - If you begin by telling your child(ren) the truth when they are very young, you are teaching them that they can trust you enough to tell you the truth as they are growing up. We all model the kind of behavior we experience in our families day to day lives. By telling our children the truth at a very early age, we not only teach them about how much they are loved, but we also help them to understand the many facets of real life - joy, pain, challenges, struggles, acceptance. We also teach them about looking for alternatives, and not just accepting everything life throws at them. Above all we teach them that we love them so much that we owe it to them to tell the truth about how they came to be!
Now that you have decided to tell your child(ren) they were conceived using an egg donor, how do you go about telling them? If you're like many of us, this may not come ease. Start practicing what you will say even before your child is born. If you need help preparing, there are many books and websites on the topic of telling your children they were born via donor egg.
A few book suggestions on "Talking to your children about egg donation":
A Tiny Itsy Bitsy Gift of Life, An Egg Donor Story, A touching story of how a happy couple
of rabbits have their own baby by means of egg donation., Using rabbits in this story enables children to easily understand their conception in a simple and loving way.
Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?. A mother elephant explains her use of donor eggs to her child. With charming illustrations and simple words, "Mommy, was your tummy big?" can help parents who used in vitro fertilization and donor eggs begin to explain the process to their small children. This book has been praised by many mental health professionals who work with fertility clinics and an NYU Child Study Center article offers it as an example of how to tell a young child about his/her donor egg origins.
Also highly recommend are: Birds of a Different Feather and One More Giraffe.
A few book suggestions on "Talking to your children about surrogacy":
Why I'm So Special: A Book About Surrogacy and Why I'm So So Special: A Book about Surrogacy With Two Dads. both books by Carla Lewis Long tackle a very difficult, complicated subject in a sweet, whimsical way. The latter is a lighthearted picture book on surrogacy with two daddies. Both books share a story that all parents who used a surrogate mother may share with their young children to let them know just how special they are. These stories are ultimately about hope, perseverance, and lots of love.
Organizations like Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and the Donor Conception Network advocate that its healthy and appropriate to be open and honest with a child about their origins, and suggests telling them at a young age.
The Ethics Committee of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) strongly supports the principle that parents ought to tell their children about the fact that they were born using donor eggs. The committee also considers that informing the child about non-identifying characteristics of the egg donor is in the child's best interests. In addition, in those cases when all parties come to an agreement, it's advised to disclose personal data on the egg donor. The committee acknowledges however that such a decision is of exceptionally personal nature and that it can be made only by the parents themselves (ASRM Ethics Committee, 2004)
Whatever you decide is right for you and your family is entirely a personal choice, one that should be thought through carefully!
If we can be of assistance to you in any way, helping ease any anxiety on this very important topic, our caring staff is here to help!.
West Coast Surrogacy, Inc (WCS) and West Coast Egg Donation Inc. (WCED) is an all-inclusive surrogate and egg donation agency located in Southern California. Working with intended parent(s) both straight and gay together with gestational surrogates and egg donors nationwide, WCS and WCED uses a team-oriented approach that encompasses the highest level of integrity, support, and compassion. It is our pledge to guide you through every step of this life-changing process, acting as both a resource for information and an unparalleled support system.
To find out more about our surrogate mother and egg donor programs, please visit us on the web at:
